How to Talk to a Partner About How You Feel
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We all have feelings—and those feelings can sometimes be overwhelming. It's helpful to talk to a partner about how you feel, whether it's your significant other or even a friend or family member. But for some people, this can be extremely difficult; it takes a lot of courage to share your heart with someone else. That's understandable: talking about my feelings has never been easy for me either. However, I've learned that there are ways to make the conversation go as smoothly as possible:
Set aside a time to talk.
The first step to talking to your partner about how you feel is setting aside a time when both of you can focus. Make sure that the conversation won't be interrupted and that no one will be distracted by other things, such as children or pets. You should also make sure that neither of you are tired or hungry—a tired or hungry brain is less likely to be open to new ideas and dialogue! Remember that this conversation is important, so it's okay if it takes more than one try.
Get in the right mindset.
The first step to having a successful conversation is preparing yourself. Think about what you want to achieve, and how you’re going to present yourself. Do some research on the topic if necessary, but don’t overthink it—the more pressure you put on yourself, the more likely you are to feel nervous and mess up.
Once you’re in the right mindset for this conversation, consider how your partner might react upon hearing your feelings. Try imagining what they might say or do so that when it happens in real life, there won't be any surprises (and hopefully no arguments).
Make an agenda or bullet points, if that's helpful.
The first step is to make an agenda or bullet points, if that's helpful. What are you trying to achieve? What are the main points you want to make? Do you want to set a time limit for this conversation? If so, how long will it last?
Once those questions are answered and your agenda is drafted, it's time for the actual conversation!
Figure out what you want to achieve with this conversation.
The first step to having a successful conversation is figuring out what you want to achieve with it. This is an important part of the process, because if you don't know what your goals are going into a conversation, then it's easy for them to get derailed by conflict or simply end up in neutral territory without any real results.
So what should your goals be? It depends on the situation and how much time you have before the discussion happens, but we recommend using our three-part framework as a starting point:
Deciding whether this conversation is necessary at all (i.e., "Is there actually an issue here?"). If not—and chances are good that there isn't—then don't waste time trying to communicate about it! Just move on with life; no harm done!
Figuring out whether there is an issue worth talking about ("What exactly am I trying to say?"). A lot of times people think they need help communicating when really they just need help figuring out what they're trying to communicate in the first place! Make sure that whatever issues you may have aren't too vague or open-ended; otherwise, they won't be easily solved by talking through them with anyone else
Try to make your statement as brief and neutral as possible.
It’s important to remember that the person you are talking to is feeling a lot of emotions as well. They may have already been having a difficult day, or they might be worried that this conversation is going to be the start of something negative that will affect their relationship. You don’t want your partner to feel blamed or attacked when they are trying hard not only to understand your feelings but also work on fixing them.
When talking about how you feel, try using phrases like “I feel…” and avoid using accusatory statements like “You did…” or “You make me feel…” These types of words can make your partner defensive and cause them not to listen carefully enough for what really matters—your needs! It's best if both parties remain calm during any discussion about how things went wrong so there won't be any unnecessary arguments later down the road when someone gets defensive again after being reminded about what happened earlier today (or last week).
Take a break if needed.
If you need to take a break from the conversation, do it. Don't feel bad about taking time for yourself, and don't let anyone tell you that taking a break is an excuse for avoiding the conversation altogether. If it helps, set aside time afterwards (or before) so that both partners can share what they've learned and think about how they'll move forward together.
The important thing is not only having the right words but being able to listen—and hear—your partner's response. Make sure that when he or she speaks up, you're really listening; if possible, make eye contact so they know they're being heard by someone who really cares about their feelings and wants to understand them better as well.
Remember that you both have each other's best interests in mind.
Remember that you both have each other's best interests in mind. While your partner may have made a mistake, they're still the same person they were when you fell in love with them. This is a hard lesson to learn, but chances are good that your partner loves you and wants to do the right thing, even if they don't always get it right on their own.
Take turns sharing your thoughts and feelings about the situation.
While it's perfectly natural to want to jump in and make a point, remember that the person you're talking with is probably feeling similarly frustrated. They've been stuck listening to your rambling for as long as you've been waiting for them to stop talking so that you could get a word in edgewise. Instead of interrupting, take breaks when each of you needs space or time alone. If there's something truly important that needs addressed right now, make sure it gets said before anything else gets said again — otherwise the two of you will just keep going around in circles until one of your voices gives out from exhaustion (or worse).
Take notes if it'll help the conversation stay on track.
If you find that it's helpful to take notes, you can do so with pen and paper. You could also use a recording device, or even your phone or computer. Make sure to ask for permission first before using a recording device as this may make your partner feel less comfortable.
You might want to start out by writing down some of the things that were bothering you in the relationship, such as:
"I don't like how we never go out anymore"
"I wish we could spend more time together"
“I didn’t know what was going on in our relationship until now”
Be patient with yourself and your partner (within reason).
Be patient with yourself and your partner. It's normal to feel nervous, or to doubt yourself or your partner during the conversation. This is because of all the emotions and thoughts you have about the relationship.
There are going to be times when you're not sure what to say, or don't understand what your partner is saying. That's okay! You don't have to know how things will turn out right away—and it can take time for both of you to figure out how things will work out in the future (if they do).
Talking about your feelings can be tough! It's worth it, though, because it helps to strengthen our bonds with others.
Talking about your feelings can be tough. It requires us to open up about our innermost thoughts and emotions, which can feel vulnerable. But it's worth it! The process of communicating with each other helps strengthen the bonds that tie us together.
When you talk about your feelings, there are a few things to keep in mind:
Be honest
Listen actively
Set aside time for talking (and stick to it!)
Make an agenda beforehand so there's no awkward silence or unnecessary digressions